Tales From Inside The Fellowship
by Yelaha
Summary: This is just a fun fanfic on the Lord of The Rings. Yes, I have read the books and seen the movie. I don't mean to offend anyone, so if I do, just know that it's just a story, and it's all for fun.
1. Part One

Lord of The Rings

Tales from Inside the Fellowship

The story begins at the council of Elrond. The soon-to-be companions Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, the hobbits, Gandalf, the wizard, Gimli, the dwarf, Boromir and Aragorn, the men, and Legolas, the elf, come together from various regions of Middle Earth to decide the fate of the one ring. The council decides that the ring of power must be taken to Mount Doom where it will be destroyed. Frodo volunteers to bear it, and the fellowship of the ring is formed.

Gandalf- "We must set out as early as we see fit. Then, we must make for the pass of Caradras, because I said so."

Gimli sulks quietly into the shadows. _Maybe if I creep away slowly, they will have no opportunity to laugh at me. Yes, that's what I'll do. _Gimli runs into a 6 ft. statue even though it's bigger than him and falls to the ground. Everyone in the council turns their heads and decides to judge him by the next thing he does. He stands up quickly but drops his helmet. Everyone laughs uncontrollably.

The sun goes down and Bilbo Baggins gives his nephew a few heirlooms. Bilbo then freaks out, and Frodo makes sure the fellowship leaves the next day. He also makes sure Bilbo isn't there to see them off on their journey when the rest of the Rivendell population does.

Gimli- "Arrrggg! Cann'ttt…..gettttt…..this…..sssttupiddd…thinggg…offff….!"

Aragorn- "Having some trouble there, master dwarf?"

Gimli- "I think I ripped my traveling gear."

Legolas- "You mean your dwarf skirt?"

Gimli- "No! Traveling gear!"

Legolas- "Hey, everyone! Gimli ripped his skirt!"

Sam- "If ya don't mind me askin, why were ya tryin to take your skirt off in the first place?"

Gimli- "Grrrwwuuhhfff! I wasn't trying to take it off. I was trying to remove my axe from my belt."

Pippin- "That's dangerous."

Boromir- "You make no sense, dwarf."

Gandalf- "Quit stalling. Frodo's weary, and I'm concerned."

Gandalf goes on for twenty minutes about which roads they will take. The company then takes a break, and Boromir decides to teach the hobbits how to fight with their swords. Aragorn is sitting against a rock smoking and occasionally laughing at Merry's unskilled swordsmanship. Sam, of course, is eating.

Boromir- "Two, Three, Four, Five. Good. Very good."

Aragorn- "Move your feet."

Merry- "Mmmm, that's good, Pippin."

Pippin- "Well I've had more practice than you o'course."

Merry- "Now what's that supposed to mean?"

Pippin- "Well what d'you think I was doing before we set off from Rivendell? That Bilbo knows a bit about swords you know. He said he had a sparkly blue one once that lit up when bad guys came prancing about, but I think he might have smoked a bit too much Old Tobey by the time he got to that."

Merry- "Right."

Gimli- "If anyone was to ask my opinion…….."

Legolas- "We won't."

Gimli- "Grhmm. I'd say we were taking the long way round."

Legolas- "Maybe because it's the safe way round, you little prune."

Gimli- "Gandalf."

Gandalf- "Seriously, what do you want now?"

Gimli- "If we passed through the mines of Moria my cousin, Balin, would give us a royal welcome."

Legolas- "Yeah and if toads could fly they wouldn't bump their warty butts on the ground."

Gimli- "I have had enough of your sarcasm, elf! I'll have you know that we dwarves take things very very seriously. And I happen to know that if we go to Moria we are doing the right thing indeed."

Gandalf- "Gimli, I would not go to Moria even if all of Middle Earth was on fire and there was no where else to go but Samwise Gamgee's house."

Sam- "Hey!"

Gandalf- "Oh, Sam. I meant nothing by it." _Lazy oafish hobbit. I ought to set some fireworks off in his backpack._

Gimli- "He was just pointing at that wisp of cloud."

Frodo- "Sam likes to guess what animals they look like."

Boromir- "I don't think it's a cloud. It's moving fast and against the wind."

Legolas- "Crebain from Duneland!"

Everyone stands and stares at Legolas with blank stares on their faces. Gandalf has his head propped up on a rock and is sleeping and drooling.

Legolas- "They are very bad birds, okay!? They are spies of the enemy and unless we hide right now they are going to reveal our presence to Saruman."

Aragorn- "You heard him. HIDE! And someone please help me carry Gandalf into the brush."

Gandalf- "Oh. Are we moving? Hmm. Well we should take the Pass of Caradhras because I said so."

Boromir- "You just woke up! How can you even make a suggestion like that when you've been awake a total of five seconds?!"

Gandalf- "I don't like that tone, Boromir."

The company continues on to the pass of Caradras. Boromir finds Frodo's dropped ring in the snow and is overtaken by his want for it. Aragorn reaches for his sword and tells Boromir he needs to give it back to Frodo and go and find a pretty little ring out of a gumball machine to satisfy his urge. They trudge through the snow, all tired and worn. (Except for Legolas who can walk on top of it) It's windy and icy.

Frodo- "Gandalf, I can't go on."

Boromir- "The hobbits are tired. The snow nearly buries them."

Aragorn- "Then what do you suggest, Boromir?"

Legolas- "Hold on. There is a fell voice on the air."

Gandalf- "It's Saruman!"

Merry- "He's throwing the mountain down on us. How lovely."

Saruman the wizard chants from Isengard in order to bring rocks and snow down on the fellowship. Hmmm. Perhaps he's trying to stall them.

Boromir- "We must get off the mountain! Make for the Gap of Rohan! Or take the west road to my city!"

Aragorn- "The Gap of Rohan takes us too close to Isengard. How much sense would it make to travel practically to Saruman's doorstep?"

Gimli- "If we cannot go over the mountain, let us go under it! Let us go through the Mines of Moria."

Legolas- "What is your freaking problem, dwarf? We've already gone over this. Moria is nothing but a piece of crap. Can't you just feel the foreshadowing of something tragic happening?"

Aragorn- "Enough, Legolas."

Frodo- "What should we do, Gandalf?"

Gandalf- "I have no idea. I'll let you, being the one with absolutely no experience in any other place but Hobbiton, decide the fate of all of us."

Everyone in the company stares at Frodo and waits for his answer. They all know he's probably going by Eenie Meenie Mynie Mo inside his cloak. It turns out Frodo decides to go to Moria. Everyone curses under their breath, and Gandalf mutters, "So be it."


	2. Part Two

Lord of The Rings

Tales from Inside the Fellowship

Gandalf- "Now, let's see... Ithildin. It mirrors only starlight and moonlight. The doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak friend and enter."

Merry- "What d'you suppose that means?"

Gandalf- "Oh, umm. It's quite simple. If you are a friend, you speak the password, and the doors will open. Annon Edhellen edro hi ammen!"

Frodo- "Gandalf, nothing's happening."

Gandalf- "Frodo I know that!"

Aragorn- "Tell us how to get through your front door _now_, master dwarf."

Gandalf- "Oh, it's useless."

Frodo- " Actually it's more like a riddle. Speak friend, and enter. What's the elvish word for friend, Gandalf?"

Gandalf- "Oh, shoot. Pineapple!…. Orange! ……Plum! ……Mellon!"

Gandalf guesses and gets the password and everyone enters the mines. It is very dark, so Gandalf lights his staff.

Gimli- "Soon, master elf, you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the dwarves! Roaring fires, malt beer, red meat off the bone! This, my friend, is the home of my cousin Balin. And they call it a mine. A MINE!"

Legolas- " I call it a piece of crap. It even looks like crap, see? There are corpses and nasty gray matter all over the walls."

Boromir- "This is no mine. It's a tomb."

Legolas- "That's what I just said."

Gimli- "No! Nooo! NOOOO!"

Legolas- "Yes! Yess! YESSS!"

Boromir-"We make for the Gap of Rohan. We should never have come here! Now get out of here! Get out!!"

Aragorn- "Sorry, but the Gap of Rohan is a piece of crap as well. So we should stay because we're going to have to anyway."

Frodo- "Why?"

Aragorn- "Because that big sea monster outside is going to grab you any second now."

Frodo- "What!?"

Aragorn- "Oh don't worry though. We're all going to save you, but the monster will ironically smash the entrance to the mines, leaving us trapped inside."

Frodo and the rest of the fellowship stare at Aragorn. The events he described play out perfectly, and the company is trapped inside. They must face the long dark of Moria. Also, Frodo is wet and looks very hot.

Frodo and Gandalf sit and discuss Gollum for a while, and Gandalf suddenly remembers which way to lead the company. Everyone is crabby and hungry. They walk through Dwarrowdelf

Sam- "Well there's an eye opener, and no mistake."

Pippin- "These pillars are really, really tall."

Gimli- "NOOOOOOOoooooo!"

Boromir- "Oh jeez I think that's his cousin's tomb."

Legolas- "Nice observation, Gondor boy."

Gimli- "Balin!! Why?!"

Legolas- "Well, once the goblins found out that Gimli son of Gloin did not live here, they just chose the next ugliest dwarf to pick off."

Gandalf- "Here lies Balin, son of Fundin, Lord of Moria. He is dead then. It is as I feared."

Merry- "Then why didn't you say something before?"

Pippin- "If you feared this, it would've of been nice of you to share it with the rest of us."

Legolas- (whispers) "We must move on. We cannot linger."

Aragorn- "You're telling me."

Pippin knocks over a dwarf carcass, and it tumbles down into a well making loads of noise along the way. Gandalf gets a look on his face that makes everyone in the company want to pee their pants.

Gandalf- "Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time, and rid us of your stupidity."

Boromir- "And your breath. Seriously, hobbit, you need a Tic Tac or something."

The sounds of orcs and goblins fill the tomb. Frodo's sword glows blue, everyone raises their weapons, and a small puff of stench rises from Sam's pants.

Frodo- "Gandalf!! Orcs!!!"

Boromir- "They have a cave troll too! Yes! I've always wanted to get the crap beat out of me by one of those!"

Aragorn- "Get back! Stay close to Gandalf."

Frodo- (whispers) "What's he going to do, scare them with his staff?"

Gandalf- "Hhmm?"

Frodo- "Nothing. I said, "protect me, Gandalf." Look out!"

The battle rages and pretty much every orc and goblin is killed. The cave troll separates Frodo from the company and jabs him with a very big spear. Frodo looks highly constipated before falling to the ground. Legolas eventually notices and shoots the troll with a butt load of arrows until one finally gets through the thick skin.

Aragorn- "Frodo!!"

Gandalf- "I'm so concerned."

Frodo- "Oh I'm alright. I'm not hurt."

Aragorn- "You should be dead. That spear would have skewered a wild boar."

Frodo- "It didn't skewer me. Haha."

Sam- "That's no laughn' matter now, Mister Frodo. I thought you were dead."

Merry- "Gandalf needs a Kleenex."

Gandalf- "I do not. It's just that the dust of rotting dwarf carcasses irritates my baggy eyes."

Gimli- "We need to keep moving. I don't want to stay here any longer."

Legolas- "Oh well look who's whining now. 'My name is Gimli. Moria is the best place ever! When we get to Moria there will be lots of food and prancing about. No worries!'"

Gimli- "Gwurff…"

Gandalf- "Oh, right. I guess we could go to the bridge of Khazad-dum."

Aragorn- "Alright, fine."

Boromir- "Whatever."

Legolas- "Let's go."

The company runs and is confronted by thousands of orcs. After hearing a loud booming noise, the enemy flees, and the company is left standing, staring at the archway where the noise was heard.

Boromir- "What is this new devilry?"

Gandalf- "It's a Balrog. A demon of the ancient world. This is beyond any of you so we will now waste time and stand here waiting for our doom."

Frodo- "Gandalf?"

Gandalf- "RUN!"

Everyone runs and Boromir almost falls into the fiery chasm. Gandalf lags behind and tells Aragorn to lead everybody on. Gandalf is then second to jump the gap on the bridge, putting himself before both Aragorn and the ring-bearer.

Gimli- "Nobody tosses a dwarf!"

Gimli jumps and misses. Legolas barely catches him by the beard.

Gimli- "NOT THE BEARD!!!!!"

Legolas- "Would you rather me let you fall? Or would you prefer it if I grab your enormous nose instead?"

Aragorn and Frodo make it across after dramatic scene of suspense and triumphant music. The fellowship run across yet another bridge with the Balrog tailing behind them, but Gandalf stops in the middle.

Gandalf- "You cannot pass!"

Frodo- "Gandalf!"

Gandalf- "I am a servant of the Secret Fire, a wielder of the flame of Arnor, and member of the Powerpuff Girl Fan Club! Go back to the shadow!!"

Boromir- "Is he going to try and take that thing on? That Balrog has to be ten times his size."

Aragorn- "And mental capacity."

Gandalf- "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

Gandalf sticks his staff in the ground. As the Balrog advances towards him, the bridge crumbles and it tumbles into the chasm. Gandalf sighs just before the Balrog's fire whip grabs his ankle. The leader of the company dangles on the edge of the broken bridge and tells everyone to fly and that they are fools before falling and joining the Balrog in total darkness.

Legolas- "This is Gimli's fault, you know."


	3. Part Three

Lord of the Rings

Tales From Inside the Fellowship

The company rests outside Moria after the fall of Gandalf. Everyone is crying and sobbing. Aragorn takes Gandalf's role as leader, and attempts to get everyone up. Both Legolas and Frodo look very hot.

Aragorn- "Legolas, get them up."

Boromir- "Give them a moment for pity's sake."

Aragorn- "Unless you would like to have your head hewn off by an army of orcs, it would be wise to reach the woods of Lothlorien by nightfall. Off your butt, Sam."

The fellowship travels to Lothlorien, and everyone is alert and on their feet for any sign of danger. Gimli, once again, is acting full of himself as he wanders through the woods.

Gimli- "Stay close young hobbits."

Merry- "But you smell!"

Gimli- "They say a great sorceress lives in these woods. An elf witch of terrible power."

Legolas- "I'll have you know that she is not a witch."

Gimli- "Then why do all who look upon her fall under her spell, hmm?"

Legolas- "Because your source of information is flawed, dwarf."

Gimli- "Well anyway, here's one dwarf she won't ensnare so easily."

Legolas- "Who in their right mind would want to ensnare you?"

Gimli- "It doesn't matter! The point is she won't! I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox."

Haldir- "Hey I am a really cool elf. Your little dwarf breathes so loud we could have shot him in the dark."

Elf- "Or in the rain."

Another Elf- "Or even during a blizzard."

Haldir- "That's enough."

Aragorn speaks elvish to Haldir and tells him that the company has come here for help and protection.

Gimli- "Aragorn! These woods are perilous. We should go back!"

Boromir- "What! And go back to Moria? Yeah everyone raise their hand if they want to go back to Moria."

Haldir- "You have entered the realm of the Lady of the Wood. You cannot go back. Come, she is having her snack, but you may wait in the lobby until she has finished her cinnamon Pop Tart."

After waiting a while in the lobby the fellowship finds themselves standing before the two highest elves of Lothlorien, Galadriel and Celeborn.

Celeborn- "Eight that there are here, yet nine there were set out from Rivendell. Tell me, where is Gandalf, for I much desire to speak with him."

Aragorn- "Gimli son of Gloin told us that Moria was a wonderful little place filled with the fabled hospitality of the dwarves and the roaring fires and malt beer and so on. We traveled there, expecting to be welcomed by Balin, Lord of Moria. Instead we found ourselves in the presence of a Balrog. There was naught we could do."

Galadriel- "He has fallen into shadow."

Pippin- "Yes…..we know."

Galadriel- "The quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little, and it will fail to the ruin of all. But hope remains while company is true."

Gimli- "How exactly do you figure that?"

Merry- "You just said that if we strayed a little it would be the ruin of all. So are we supposed to feel better?"

Galadriel- "You are weary with sorrow and much toil. Go to bed and sleep…

(Voice of Galadriel inside Frodo's head)- Welcome Frodo of the Shire, one who has seen the eye!

The company rests and Boromir and Aragorn have a long drawn out conversation about Gondor. The elves sing a lament for Gandalf out in the distance. Gimli decides to sleep during it. Frodo sees Galadriel and follows her down to a secluded pool of water.

Galadriel- "Will you look into the mirror?"

Frodo- "That bowl of water you mean?"

Galadriel- "Yes."

Frodo- "What will I see?"

Galadriel- "Even the wisest cannot tell. For the mirror shows many things."

Frodo- "So you are basically saying that you have no idea. Well alright I've already been skewered twice and almost died one of those time so what's a little peek in a mirror, right?"

He laughs jokingly but Galadriel does not flinch. Frodo looks into the water and sees images of the shire. First they are as he remembers it, but then he sees Bag End burning and tons of hobbits becoming slaves to the orcs. The flaming eye of Sauron pulls at the ring and Frodo falls back onto the ground.

Galadriel- "I know what it was you saw. For it is also in my mind. It is what will come to pass if you should fail. The Fellowship is breaking. It has already begun. He will try to take the ring."

Frodo- "Boromir?"

Galadriel- "Yes."

Frodo- "If you want it, I'll give it to you."

Galadriel- "You offer it to me freely."

Frodo- "That's because I don't want it."

Galadriel then has a little episode where she debates with herself. She then talks about passing a test, diminishing and going into the west.

Galadriel- "Truth is, Frodo Baggins, I already have a ring of power and it is much more beautiful than yours. But you are a ring-bearer and that means you are to be alone. This task was appointed to you and if you do not find a way, then we shall have to ask Elrond to do it."

Frodo- "Then I must abandon my Fellowship. Is that what you counsel me to do?"

Galadriel- "Yes, because even the smallest person can change the course of the future. Us big people aren't good at that. We tend to screw up the future."

Frodo- "Yes…I see."


	4. Part Four

Lord of the Rings

Tales From Inside the Fellowship

The company leaves the land of Lothlorien after receiving pretty gifts from Galadriel. Merry and Pippin receive daggers, Legolas gets a new bow, Boromir……well he just doesn't want anything, Aragorn gets a blessing, Frodo is given a star inside a glass, Sam receives rope and a seed, and Gimli gets a wad of elf hair. What lovely presents. The company rows their way up the Anduin river and make camp on a bank located several feet before an enormous waterfall.

Aragorn- "We cross the river at nightfall, hide the boats, and continue on foot. We approach Mordor from the north right after we've all snacked a bit."

Gimli- "Oh yes?"

Aragorn- "Yes."

Gimli- "Just a simple matter of finding our way through Emyn Muil? It's an impassible labyrinth of razor sharp rocks. And after that, it gets even better!"

Pippin- "Oooo! What's next!"

Gimli- "Festering, stinky marshlands as far as the eye can see."

Aragorn- "Yep that's where we're going. I suggest you take a nap, Master Dwarf."

Legolas- (whispers to Aragorn) "I say we all leave while he's sleeping. We should leave right now."

Aragorn- "No. Orcs patrol the eastern shore. We must wait for the cover of darkness."

Legolas- "It is not the eastern shore that worries me. A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind. Something draws near. I can feel it."

Sam comes up behind Legolas and startles him. Legolas nods at Aragorn and looks back at the bumbling hobbit.

Merry- "Hey where's Frodo?"

Aragorn- "Sam, I thought you were watching him last."

Legolas- "He's always watching him. Creepy really."

Sam- "Well I wasn't this time, okay?"

A very hot and angsty Frodo wanders through the woods and comes across Boromir gathering firewood.

Boromir- "None of us should wander alone. You least of all. So much depends on you. Frodo? I know why you seek solitude. You suffer. I see it day by day. The way Gimli bites his nails, Sam's constant chatter about which daffodils to plant next spring, Aragorn's bragging and boasting about how he's a king and I'm not, Legolas's daily 'we are all going to die' premonitions, it's enough to drive anyone mad, Frodo. But you must see. There are other ways. Other paths that we might take."

Frodo- "You want the ring for yourself."

Boromir- "Well, yes. Yes I do. It's my father actually. He wants it and I'm supposed to bring it back to him."

Frodo- "It must be destroyed."

Boromir- "I only ask for the strength to defend my people!"

Boromir throws down the firewood during his hissy fit.

Frodo- "You ask for the largest deadliest weapon on Middle Earth, Boromir!"

Boromir- "If you would but lend me the ring. We could have some sort of a joint custody over it. I could take it on weekends perhaps and possibly the summer."

Frodo- "No."

Boromir- "Just weekends, then?"

Frodo- "No!"

Boromir lunges at Frodo and they both fight. Frodo puts on the ring, goes invisible and runs away. Boromir sobs and beats himself up for pissing Frodo off.

Boromir- _There goes my chance. Wait until father finds out._

Frodo runs up to the top of what seems to be an old fortress and takes the ring off.

Aragorn- "Frodo?"

Frodo- "Stay away!"

Aragorn- "I swore to protect you."

Frodo- "Can you protect me from yourself? Would you destroy it?"

Aragorn- "Honestly, Frodo, that is one of the ugliest rings I have ever seen. Mine is gorgeous. So, yes I could destroy it. And as for protecting you from myself, I swear that I took a bath this morning and I really don't smell all that bad now."

Frodo- "I know. You smell a bit like strawberries."

Aragorn- "Really? You noticed? I picked up a new fragrance in Lothlorien. Boy, those elves really are something."

Frodo- "Look after the others. Especially Sam. He's not really… together. I left a list of instructions on how to properly take care of him back at the camp."

Aragorn- "I know. You're so organized for a hobbit."

Aragorn looks and sees that Frodo's sword is glowing blue. He thinks about taking it because kings like pretty things, but he decides to defend Frodo from the some 5,000 orcs and Uruk Hai that are approaching the fortress.

Aragorn- "Run, Frodo! Run!"


End file.
